Happiness?

Lately, I've been asking myself this question alot ;-

"Am I.. happy?"

I've pondered a lot on this. Especially during those long LRT rides back home with sad music playing in my earphones. Jaded faces all around me, each reflecting on their own individual stories.

I know i am blessed, and I'm never not grateful to Allah SWT for all that He has showered me with. But I've come to a conclusion, that staying within my comfort zone for so long is slowly, but surely eating me up inside.


This past year, 2018, has probably been the most stagnant year of my life. It was just a routine of going to class, coming back home (sprinkle some household drama here and there).

Maybe it's my fault. Because maybe I didn't push myself hard enough. I didn't force myself to step outside my comfort zone. I settled for comfort. And in the end, I can't seem to leave my own comfort zone anymore.


I also miss the person I used to be, back in degree life in UK. Back then, I was THAT person who'd be busy 24/7. Constantly rushing off to join some volunteer work, some odd jobs with the university and join any student events going on.

Yes, I was busy. I was tired. But... I was happy.


See the difference between that Natasha and this Natasha is that she wasn't afraid to take risks. She would just throw herself in the new environment and learn from the experience. I miss me.

I do question myself a lot on why I've become this way. One excuse that always comes up is that "this isn't your passion". Yes, I'm currently studying for CLP. But I've never been 100% sure that I want to practice law. But on hindsight, I'm wondering now, do i really not want to practice law because i don't have the passion for it, is it simply because i'm afraid? 

I read this the other day on Twitter and it really hit me hard.

Last night I went to a group discussion. There was an entrepreneur there who said something that stuck to me: The opposite of passion is self-entitlement. Entitled people don't do shit, and they don't get shit done. They just wait and demand things come to them.

It hit me hard because I realized that's who I've become. A self-entitled piece of shit.

Ok fine,
maybe not that bad. But i do realize now, that I've sort of just been sitting around waiting for my life to get better without actually taking action about it.



It's time for a wake-up call. 

Happiness is a choice.

There's got to be more to life than this, and i'm going to find in. InsyaAllah. 

11/10/2018

A bed, that only yesterday, you laid.

A room, that only yesterday, was filled with the buzzing sounds of the face mask, heavy breathing, and an air of silent concern.

Everything is silent now.


On 11/10/2018, at 10.30 am, a strong and resilient woman whom I am proud to call my grandmother, has returned to Allah SWT.


Truly, the past one year and more has been a constant battle between nenek and her health. As her immune system weakened, and her organs deteriorated, one thing, that never faltered from my beautiful grandmother was her fighting spirit.

Through the immense pain she felt, she was still able to give a bright smile to anyone who visits her in the hospital. In her fragile state, she was always still trying her best to please those around her. Her smile, the reassuring squeeze when she gave when you held her hand... she was always so strong.


If there is one thing, that I have learnt from watching my grandma battle her illness this past one year, is to never give up.


Even when the odds are against you, never give up.


Although, you are no longer with us, nenek, i'm sure you were aware by how much you are loved by everyone around you. From atuk, to your children, grandchildren and everyone else, you are loved and adored.


I can only hope to touch as many lives as you have done, nenek.


Life is fleeting.


But because of that, make the most of it. Live your life, with passion, with love and most of all, with gratefulness.


Goodbye, nenek. Love you always.

InsyaAllah, may we meet again in the hereafter. 

Of peanut butter and Danny

Earlier, I was asking Danny a question as to why he was spreading peanut butter and butter on his toast. Maybe some of you may do it, but in my household we just spread PB on its own (it already has butter in its name anyway! :p)

The point is, he ignored me and just continued spreading out the PB and butter.

Now normally, I consider myself a very chilled sorta person. I really DON'T get mad easily. But somehow, him ignoring a direct question irked me.

I asked him why he wasn't answering me?

And he just replied "well, you can already see me spreading the butter and peanut butter right? There's no point in me answering".


And that was it, my anger level just went from mild annoyance to burning hot lava.

I went on a rant/lecture on how rude it was to ignore others and how it was basic manners to at least reply someone when they're asking you a question. Besides, what kind of reply was that anyway? How does continuing to spread out PB & butter answer my question of why he was spreading out PB & butter??

I ended my rant with a dramatic statement of "if you're going to ignore people like this, i'm not going to answer you anymore when you talk to me".

*mic drop*

*storms upstairs*

*attempts to slam door, but ends up closing it gently anyway for fear of scaring my grandma*


Back in my room and scrolling past a couple of Youtube videos later, I finally cooled down. I don't like dragging out arguments. I think they're a waste of time and only makes both sides miserable. Although, i would like Danny to just apologize to me before i start talking to him again.

Manners Maketh Man, after all.


I suddenly started reminiscing memories of Danny and I when he was a sweet little kid of 1 - 8 years old. Man, I was the very shining example of your doting big sister. I brought my little Danny boy everywhere! We'd go cycling after dinner (well, me of course, he'd just nicely sit at the backseat of my bike), I brought him to the park and sometimes, i even brought him out to meet my friends.

Danny, as naughty and mischievous as he is, he really is a sweet little boy with a kind heart.

I remember those days i became his self-proclaimed dance teacher and trained him for his various performance in the neighborhood. Mind you, Danny was quite a mini celebrity as the little dancer of Puteri 8. *beams proudly* *i was his dance teacher!*


Now at 13, he sometimes goes through that horrible teenage rebellious phase where he becomes all nasty and sulky. I wonder to myself, OH GOD who is this teenage monster that has taken over my not-so-little baby brother? What do we do and how do we get rid of it?!

It's funny because I myself graduated from teenage-hood not too long back.

I too was once a horrible teen monster to my parents. *shudders*

Life truly is a cycle isn't it?

Just like me, Danny will eventually grow out of his teenage phase and in time, he too will laugh at how grumpy he was. (to be fair, i do revert back to a grumpy teen once in awhile) (teehee)

Nevertheless, Danny will always be my little baby brother. No matter how big he gets and no matter how annoying he can be.


And while i shall await his apology that will probably come much later, let me reminisce of this little gap-toothed Danny boy who is growing up all too fast these days :')

A letter to my abang

Dear bang,

Now that you and your newly wed have safely entered the plane and are on the way to enter a new phase of your lives in UK, I finally have the time to sit down and recollect my thoughts after this whirlwind of a week in Malaysia. 

3 major events in a row from the Nikah (which mama and I did "not" cry at *sniff sniff*) to the Bride's side wedding reception to the Groom's side wedding reception is no easy task.

First of all, I want to say a big big congratulations to both you and Kak Syawal. I can see how happy you both are with each other and for that, i am so grateful. I truly wish nothing but a long-lasting and blissful marriage life ahead for both of you.

I'll admit, when i first found out that you wanted to get engaged last year, I was shocked and a little sad. But hey, i think a small part of you may have already knew that didn't you? It felt like I was about to lose a big brother... and not just any brother, but my big brother. I guess every little sister has an over-possessive defense mechanism build into them. Well, whatever you could call this feeling, I just didn't feel ready to lose my big brother yet.

But in the months that followed after the engagement and the events happening in my own life (read : final year of law degree), i finally learned to let some of the reluctance go. 

Landing in Malaysia just a little over a week ago, i barely had time to get over my tiredness (what is jet lag?) days just flew by in a flurry of wedding tasks and errands. But now that everything is done and dusted, you are a married man now, Bang. 

To be honest, I still can't believe sometimes that you are now married. (well, to be fair, it's only been a few days since the wedding so i can't help thinking that hehe). Occasionally i still get sad thinking how no matter what, things can never be the same as before again. (fine i may be slightly over-dramatic right now). But it's true, you will now have responsibilities to your new family and maybe we will never have another bro-sis dinner hangout session, or perhaps not as frequently anymore. I will miss and cherish all those times our family can just hang out with you as a bachelor. huhuhu

But life goes on, and change is a part of growing up.

Kak Syawal is lovely, she really is. (and i'm not just saying this because there is a high possibility that both of you may be reading this together at the same time). I hope that she will be a positive influence in your life and push you to became a better person than you already are. Although, the days the family spent with Kak Syawal was slightly limited. I think the past 3 days spent in PD was nice and most importantly, comfortable. Kak Syawal fitted in well and I look forward to the days where she will become more and more part of the family :) Also, being your number one victim of teasing/bullying (along with Danny too), i hope you won't tease Kak Syawal too hard. Trust me, it DOES GET ANNOYING AFTER A WHILE nanti Kak Syawal marah you baru tau!

I know i don't say this much, but love you loads bang. Always remember to be a good son to mama  & papa and a good husband to Kak Syawal. (Also, i expect a long post dedicated to me on my wedding day too muahahaha)

With love,
Your beautiful & slightly emotional adik :p

Change

As swift as sand, passing through my fingers

Is time that runs, it does not linger

As people grow and join the race

I’m still learning to find my own place

I see their passion in what they do

But for me, that simply isn’t true

And perhaps that is what, I fear the most

The future that’s coming all too close

I have so many wishes, hopes and dreams

But in nowhere it fits, or so it seems

Sometimes I question, is this how growing up is?

To do what you must, and not what you love

But then, I stop and reflect on my thoughts

Life has a way of connecting the dots

Although I am stuck in a crossroad

I know this phase is just an episode

Although I am filled with doubt and pain

They always say rainbows come after the rain

Having faith in His plans is the key

At this moment in time,

I am exactly where I am meant to be.

2 0 1 6

As the clock ticks and itches its way closer to 12 am... 2016 will be over, just like that.


And what am I doing in this significant moment at the brink of a New Year?


Nothing, actually. Just sitting here in my bedroom feverishly trying to revise for the coming exams. (whats new, right?)


Nevertheless, despite my somewhat lackluster way of ending this year. 2016 has been nothing short of a brilliant year for me. In all honestly, I felt that this was the year I truly took chances and learn to let go of my fears, even if its just abit.

Honestly, after my high school years ended, I felt like i somehow lost that part of me that loves to be active and take initiatives to join new things. For a long time, I felt comfortable with where I was and what I was doing in life. And that, isn't necessarily a good thing.

I became complacent. Just living my life with the routines that came along with it.

Thankfully, everything changed when I entered my second year of Uni. I joined KPUM (law society), then became the lead actress of Mnight (and the hours of rehearsals that came with it), joined Student Action Homeless projects with the Uni and became a Student Ambassador for my University. All these things gave me such priceless and unique experiences that I will never forget.  Not to  mention the variety of new friends you get to meet along the way.

I'll admit, time management is so important when you're juggling alot of things at the same time. Call me weird, but i actually feel more productive when I go out and do something, Rather than sit in my room, try to study but fail miserably by going on YouTube for hours.

I'm not going to go into the specifics of what I did in each event, but truly, the 2016 was the year I learnt not to be afraid to join things. Maybe confidence may come easily for some, but to me, I've always been a little nervous and anxious when it comes to venturing into unknown projects and stuff. I've also learnt that even if you get rejected, (trust me, i've had my share of those), it doesn't mean you're any less capable. Just stand back up and try again.

Remember, it only takes one person to change your life ;

you.
:)

Now in a typical old-school Natasha way of ending my blog posts. I'm gonna do some throwbacks of some moments in 2016.

Mnight memories (makes reconsider life decisions) (maybe I should just be an actress instead :P)

KPUM formal dinner

Us Student Ambassadors on duty in Welcome Week

Volunteering in a Children's Home during Summer Break

I almost forgot, I also got my driving license again this summer break! and I only passed in ONE TRY with 3 classes of lesson. Guys, this is a big achievement for me ok! I KID YOU NOT, I AM A TERRIBLE DRIVER. hahaha

Well, I can hear the fireworks outside my window now. Happy New Year to anyone reading this,  I hope you had a great 2016. Alhamdulillah for such an amazing year. Now, lets look forward to a new beginning :)

GOODBYE 2016, HELLO 2017. 

Nostalgia

"A sentimental longing or wistful affection for a period in the past."

Now i'm not usually one to start off my blog posts (or even essays) with definitions. But somehow, that one really got to me. 

What i'm feeling today is definitely... 

nostalgia.

Nostalgia for those blissful and carefree days of my childhood. How I used to looked forward every day to go to school to meet my friends. And then look forward to going home and going to the park in the evenings to meet my neighborhood friends. 

Those days, what mattered most was who was the fastest in playing catch.

And then I grew up.

Today I feel nostalgia for my high school days where I'd hang out with my girlfriends all day long. Oh boy, was I naughty back then. I'd skip classes by doing miscellaneous duties for teachers. I'd break all the rules about hair ethics. But yet, those days was the time of my life. Teachers still loved us, regardless. And life was just so carefree

And then I grew up.

I even feel a pang of nostalgia for my college days were my dad would drive me to Shah Alam every Monday morning and I'd stay in the hostel till Friday. Before packing up and going back home again for the weekend.

I complain so much about how homesick I was in INTEC, but I know if i could, I still wouldn't change a single bit of my college experience.

I feel nostalgia for those late-night gossip/movie/makeup sessions with my roommate. I miss roaming around Section 17 and going to our favorite food places together. I miss the freedom and adventure of it all. I even look back fondly at those hot & humid nights spent in my hostel room. (it was either open the window to cool the room and suffer the wrath of mosquitoes or close the windows and sweat the whole night through). But damn, that was part of the experience of Intec.

I feel nostalgia for all those deep heart-to-heart talks i'd share with my roommate. I still laugh when i think about the time Shah Alam had an insanely long water shortage. So one day when it started raining heavily, we literally went out with our shampoos and soap and started showering in the rain in front of our hostel block.

Friends you can really bond with don't come easily as you grow up

Today I just feel a deep sense of nostalgia reminiscing my past. No, I am not sad... I'm just nostalgic, that's all. And yes, I know what you're thinking... i'm young and I still have alot ahead of me, right? Well there's no harm in reflecting your life and everything you've been through so far. I've had friends that have gotten married, some are getting married soon and i've also experience the loss of a dear friend of mine. So many things are changing and sometimes, i feel like time is just flying by too fast as i grow up.

This year, I turn 22. And wow.... do i feel like i've grown alot (in terms of maturity but definitely not physically) these past few years. Where ever life takes me for the next few years, I look forward to it. Also God, Thank you. Thank you for giving me such a beautiful life for these past 21 years (and 5 months) of my life.

You truly are the best of all planners.

The Big Elephant in The Room

So today, I decided randomly to wear a hijab to class.

Don't ask me what triggered it, I could say it was the usrah session I had last week, or perhaps, a deep buried intention of mine that's been there since coming to UK.... I could say many things, but mostly, I guess Allah just moved my heart to do it. (and i'm so grateful for it)

But anyways, true to last week's usrah where I talked about consistency.

The Prophet ﷺ said, “The most beloved of deeds to Allah are those that are most consistent, even if it is small”.

I decided that I will take a small step into wearing the hijab, by wearing it every Wednesday.


Strangely, coming out of my hall today with the hijab on didn't feel any significantly different than when i'm not wearing it. Nobody gave me strange looks, everyone just minded their own business and life went on. However, i already anticipated that this was the reaction I was gonna get from strangers. After all, I do live in Manchester, where the diversity here is amazing! There are already so many (beautiful) hijabis walking around on a daily basis. So its a pretty common sighting.


But when entering class, that's when I got a slight bit nervous. Meeting Su Wen earlier was fine, since I already told her and the rest of the gang that I was gonna do it on Wed. But the class.... nope, no one knew. Now, what was the reaction I got? 

nothing.

But not the normal nothing-nothing. It's the nothing as in there's a big-elephant-in-the-room-nothing. The people I knew and knew me, didn't say a word. Most just didn't talk to me, but those who did, just pretended that nothing was different. It was almost funny, really! I mean, I could sense the curiosity radiating from them, but no one asked. It was as if, they we were afraid to ask. As if it was a sensitive topic. To be fair, I think I myself was radiating a whole nervous don't-ask-me-about-my-hijab vibe. So, can't really blame them. Hahah.

Nevertheless, I'm glad I did what I did today. Nobody said the first step would be easy. I just have to persevere and remain consistent. First step is always the hardest, once everyone gets used to it, no one is going to feel weird at all. InsyaAllah.

I pray for the strength to continue being consistent in doing what I know is right. Amin.

And the first post of 2015 goes to......

My family!

Just wanted to say.... i miss you guys.

Maybe its because my flatmates are not back yet, (and i'm currently the only person living in flat 10 right now), maybe it's because its currently the depressing pre-exam season phase now or maybe its because my brother had warned me that its only after the family visits you that homesickness starts to kick in.

But either way, I really miss my family right now.

To be honest though, I really am surprised at how long its been before this homesickness kicked it. I mean, i always thought that from the moment i flew to UK, i would be homesick all most of the time. But to my surprise, my first sem of Year 1 in UK has been relatively homesick free! 

But then, after that amazing (close to) one month of family coming over for winter break.... its like all the warmth and joy went back with them when they boarded the plane to Malaysia. Having the annoying little siblings around to annoy and be annoyed with... having papa around with his unnecessary but endearing tendency for lame jokes and picture-taking.... having mama around to cook for us and care for us unconditionally... and having abang as well to kacau. (Although technacially abang is still here in the UK, I just don't get to see him so often anymore).

I guess its really true what they say, home is wherever your family is. Never have i felt more at home here, than with my family around. Time literally flew this time around. I remember visiting UK two years ago (2012) with the family. That time, we were visiting Abang who was on his first year. To me that one month in UK felt like a long stretch of of fun and bliss. It was termed in my family as the best holiday ever! Fast forward to two years later, and this time its my turn to be the one in UK with my family visiting me (and abang). Somehow, I felt as if time just FLEW for this visit. I wasn't the only one, Danny also commented that he felt this holiday was going by too fast, although, maybe Danny just said that cause he wasn't looking forward to school when he goes back....but i digress. 

To whomever reading my blog right now, appreciate every moment with your loved ones. You never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory. Yes, I am aware i just stole that line completely from the internet :P But its true though, I would love to rewind back time and just spend the days on winter break with my family again. But life goes on. And so must we, 

Although, every part of me wanted to jump on the aeroplane back with my family that day when abang and I sent you off...... I know i can't :(

I miss you, family. See you in 6 months time, insyaAllah.

Thank you, mama.

"Tasha.... this is the ubat you take in case you get headaches there."


"And here's the ubat for sakit perut since you always have sakit perut one..."


"This one, you take before you get flu, so you can prevent it."


I watched, as my mom tirelessly took out medicine after medicine from the plastic bag she was holding. A part of me felt slightly irritated as to why she spent so much money on medicine for me. I hate it when she spends unnecessary money on me (well, unless it involves clothes shopping of course :p). Yet, as I watched her take out the seemingly infinite amount of medicine from the plastic... I felt... like I missed her. This may seem odd, since my mom was standing right in front of me. Yet, I felt like I miss her already.

She was and always is looking out for the family. Forever running around and taking care of everyone's needs and current demands. New mechanical pencil for Danny? She'll get it. Someone is craving their favourite food? She'll be there to cook it. Baby Chu has a sore throat? She'll buy the medicine before you know it. Mama's always running around like an energizer bunny, taking care of the family. Sometimes to my annoyance, without taking care of her own health. When I voice out this opinion, she'll say "How can I relax? I have to take care of everyone in this house!" *read that with a really loud angry voice*

But ma.... I want you to know, that everyone in this house loves you so much. I am sure you know that already. I know sometimes you feel you don't get enough help around the house, but please, tell us and we'll try our best to help.

Whoops, i'm slightly straying off topic. What I mean to say is.. thank you. Thank you from the very bottom of my heart. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for your constant advice and encouragement to me, thank you for being my listening ear for all this years, but most of all, just, thank you so much for being my mother. You are truly the best mother one could ever ask for. And I hope you know that.


The other night, you watched me pack my bag. You folded all my clothes neatly as I threw more and more clothes towards the floor singing "I'm bringing this! I'm bringing this!". *sigh* I am really going to miss having your presence around me...  I also worry so much that you will become more stress when I am away. I know how naughty Danny and Baby Chu can be together. Their constant bickering can drive anyone nuts! I am worried that I won't be there to help out with Danny and Baby Chu's studies anymore and your workload might increase.

Please take care of yourself. I know that you will do your best in taking care of everyone else. (yes, never stop nagging papa to stop drinking cold sweet drinks okay!). I'm sure nothing will change between me and the family eventhough we are miles and miles apart. In fact, i'm pretty sure you'll be getting bored of me constantly pestering you and papa for a skype session. Hahaha.


I love you always mama.

And I just want to say, I miss you already.

For Gung Gung (grandfather)

an empty seat.

It is on that exact seat, where I would see you spend most of your time. Reading your Chinese newspaper, taking your naps, resting before going to fetch Danny back and forth from his school or tuitions..  You were always so comfortable in that place.. But now, it is nothing but an empty seat.

We were never really very close as we had a typical awkward grandfather-granddaughter relationship. Generation gap kept us from conversing naturally and frequently. Plus, there was a communication barrier between us as I was fluent in English and you were fluent in Chinese. Hence, we had to communicate in an in-between language that was malay. Still, it touched me to see you try and make an effort to talk to me. You would ask me how was my day when I returned from somewhere, buy snacks for all the kids whenever you had money to spare and ask me to teach you how to handle your handphone. And for awhile, we would hold a conversation..

It was during the year 2012, where I really got to know you better. I was fresh out of high school and needed transport to take fetch me to my part-time job. Also, I needed transport to fetch me to my driving center since I was having driving lessons back then. Initially, those car trips with you was awkward as we didn't really have much to talk about, but over time, we grew more comfortable with each other's presence. In fact, you even shared with me some driving tips and how driving was so different back in your time. I enjoyed listening to your stories. I felt happy that finally, I was beginning to form a relationship with my Gung Gung.

One year flew by to quickly.. just when I was beginning to know you better, you had to leave. To be honest, I am still in shock now. It's as if reality has not really sink in yet. Gung Gung is gone now. Those are just words to me, but they have no meaning. I keep expecting you to still be alive, in the hospital, and getting better day by day. But now.. its too late.

You were always so strong to me. Even despite your age, you were healthy and fit. You could carry things around and do odd jobs around the house (though sometimes you spoilt things in the process >.<). That is why, it is such a shock to me that you have left. Then again, I should have mentally prepared myself. After you suffered your first fall in January 2013, your condition detoriated rapidly, suddenly it was as if disease led to another disease. I begin to see a different side of you.. and it broke my heart. It was like you lost a big part of you. Losing your ability to take care of yourself must have been so hard on you. I wish I took the time to talk to you, ask you how your day was, like you did to me all those years back. Even when you got rushed to hospital, I was not so worried. I guess I was still in denial that you were very sick. To me, I was so sure that you were going to recover soon. Then you would be your old happy self again. I was wrong.

My biggest regret is not taking more effort to talk to you, I know that I am in Shah Alam most of the time for college. But I guess I should have converse with you more during the weekends when I'm home. And now it's too late. Too late. Those two words that can make me tear up because I feel so much regret. I did not even have the chance to wish you goodbye. My two last memories of you was during Chinese New Year when you looked so pleased to see me wear cheongsam for the first time. And my last memory of you, was when you fell down again. Kakak and I had to support you and rest you on the pillow. That was before you got sent to the hospital. If only I had known then, I would have asked you take care.. at least talked to you a little before you went to the hospital. Because now, that will always be my final memory of you.

When I returned home from college yesterday, I received the news around 6pm that you had to enter the emergency ward again. I was calm. "What could happen?" I remembered thinking. Then around 9 pm, the house phone rang. When it was papa on the other line, I felt the first feeling of panic. Then papa said on the phone softly "Dik, Gung Gung has passed away..".



All your belongings is packed up by popo earlier. She puts up a tough front, but deep down, I can tell she is just as sad as the rest of us that you are gone. Danny cried this morning when he heard the news.. Even though all your things have officially left the house to be transported to Ipoh to your family. Your memories here will not die. Thank you Gung Gung, for everything you have done for us. I know I have never said to you this before, but I really appreciate you and I will miss you so much. I hope you are in a better place now.

Rest In Peace.

I was never great with goodbyes.

I once heard a saying that goes like this "Sometimes, being a brother, is even better than being a superhero". But if you knew a person like my brother, I'd say they got that quote all messed up. It should have went like this "Sometimes, having a brother is even better than having a superhero".

Thing is, words cannot even begin to describe the relationship between me and my abang. We fight, we play,  we gossip (yes even my brother does that :p) but most importantly, we truly care for each other and look out for each other. When I first got to know that my brother was flying off to Manchester Uni in UK. I felt... nothing. Its like I was still in a bubble you know? Refusing to believe that my abang is flying off miles and miles away for a long long time. Then, as days gradually crept closer to M-day. Mon Day. Mikhail-flying-off Day. I felt the bubble slowly getting weaker. I allowed myself to imagine what life at home would be without kacau-ing my abang, without my own personal driver (oh no! I'd probably have to learn how to drive the car now!), and without just the general presence of a big brother in the house.I felt really... sad. Don't take this wrong bang, I'm really happy you managed to get this chance to continue your studies overseas, just that, I'll really miss you.

Anyway, bang, since I'm sure they are days where you'll feel really homesick in UK, I decided to be the ever-helpful sister I am, and compile a few awesome memorable memories of us together. Starting since, the beginning. Toddler-hood.

TODDLER-HOOD

Of course, this story has already been told by my brother to several people many many times over the years. But for old times sake, let me just blog about it still :P As a baby, I admit I did have a violent streak in me. I enjoyed  biting my brother really hard. Hard enough to leave marks that will last the whole day, only to fade off just in time before mama and papa got back from work in the evening. I call it skills :D Anyway, the biting continued alot during my itchy-growing-teeth period.Despite my brother's endless complain to my parents about my biting, they never believed him. Number One : he had no proof (marks fade before parents return from work) and Number Two : One look at my innocent baby face and my parents will never believe that I can do violence >:)

But one fateful day, I accidently lose control of myself and bit my brother with EXTRA HARD force. This caused a deeper-than-usual mark on my brother. And by evening when my parents returned home from work, the mark was still there. That was the epic day when my brother finally had evidence to support his case. I was guilty as charged and receive scoldings from my parents that night. Finally, in the battle between Abang Vs. Adik, abang won -____- *sorry if this paragraph sounded very lawyer-ish to you,  future lawyer in the making here! heheheh*

However, this was not the only time abang got scolded because of me. There was this one time we had a race in our old house. Because I could only crawl, while my brother already had the ability to run on two legs, he was way ahead of me. When my brother reached the finish line, he noticed I was missing! So he went back across the 'track' and found out I had hit my head on the edge of a wall while crawling too fast. I was bleeding and well, let's just say I still have that scar on my eyebrow until now :( anyway, our maid put all the blame on abang and claimed that he had pushed me. When mama&papa got home that night, abang was in alot of trouble. 

My point is, abang got into alot of trouble because of me when we were younger. And well, I guess I just want to tell you thank you, bang. I guess I was too young then to understand the trouble I got you into, but now, I'd like to take this oppoturnity before you fly off to say sorry.

:')

CHILD-HOOD

As we both grew up, the dynamic of our relationship also grew. I had long since grew out my teeth and stopped biting my brother for fun.Yes, we'd still have sibling fights now and then (ones the involved kicking, punching and.. biting xD) but we also learnt to help out each other. There was always this unspoken rule in the house that whoever that breaks one of mama's glass ornaments, will kena.. THE ROTAN when mama gets home from work. So whenever one of us accidently breaks mama's glass ornaments, we'd never rat out each other. After all, one does not simply break the Sibling Code 101 : Never tell on each other to your parents. Mama while eventually find out the culprit herself using her killer sharp mother instincts.

Here's a random memory that cracks me up everytime! Do you guys know that there was this one time I made me brother laugh SO HARD during lunch that he actually VOMITED out all his food! O__O Heck, even I was surprised of my comedic ability. Either I'm really funny, or my brother laughs too easily. But mama got so mad that she made abang clean up his own vomit on the floor afterwards. TEEHEE ^^

Other than that, my brother and I also shared awesome padang sessions that lasted from 5pm to 7pm. We'd cycle to our neighborhood padang and played lots of kinds of catching games with our friends there. The most famous game being 'Dinosaur' that my brother and I introduced to our neighbourhood friends. Hehehe *feels proud* I gotta say, those padang sessions were the highlight of my childhod :')

TEENAGE-HOOD

Then came teenage-hood were my brother and I bonded further. We'd discuss deeper issues other than games and toys and instead, talk about life and family. Those were our gossip sessions. Muahahahahah. We'd do all this during our supposedly 'study time' :P Honestly, we were supposed to study but most of the time my brother and I would just talk or write down random funny stories and let each other read it. Of course, abang also played his big brother role well and taught me the things I didn't understand at school. Honestly, I really miss those 'study-sessions' I shared with my brother. Once high school ended, so did those session together...

Once abang finished high school, we entered a new phase. The phase where abang was hardly home anymore. First, he was selected for NS and so he was missing from home for 3 months! I only got to see him during the weekends when I visited him. That was the first taste I had of life without abang. I really missed him, but I knew in the future there will be plenty more moments like this. And true enough, after that,  abang received scholarship to study medicine and was placed in Kolej Mara Banting.  Again, we only got to see him during weekends. You may think that being far apart from abang and not seeing him so often would make us drift apart. But then the most amazing thing happen, we bonded further. My brother and I can talk about just anything! I realized that the distance, made us realize how precious time spent with each other and the family actually is. Now we cherish every minute with each other.

.......................................

Well, I don't want this post to be too long. To end it, you are and always have been an amazing brother, bang. I am so proud of you. You inspire me to be a better person in every way, I'm always in awe of your confidence in public speaking/debate and such. You have taught me and the family to be thankful to God. For after all, we are just mere humans. I love you very very much and I as much as I hate to admit it, I will miss you to bits when you fly off! Our family won't be able to see you during the weekends anymore, now probably only during big semester breaks. PS- I have a feeling that thanks to you, all my holidays for the next 4 years will only be to the same destination : UK =__=

Please take care and be safe in UK. Don't slack and remember to study hard. I hope you will always remember to keep in touch and call mama and papa often, you know how much they miss us children when we're not home. If you ever get sad or lonely, you can always skype or call the family, cause we'll always be there for you! Remember, distance means so little when someone means so much.

Goodbye, my superhero!

With lots of love,
Your beautiful adik

Life after SPM

KNOCK KNOCK!

WHO'S THERE?

  NAAAATAAASHAAAA!

....finally -.-

Hello my loyal adorable gorgeous and fantastic readers (bodek sikit since I disappeared for so long). As you can see, I'm back! And that (referring to the 'knock knock' joke above... is my great comeback line xD I know, lame kan? But what to do.. I haven't blogged for ages. It feels pretty awkward now. Kinda like how I felt when I first started blogging. Clueless and nothing much to say :/

......but anyway! I decided to blog again since people have started reminding me to do so. Plus, I finally have a topic to blog about :3 LIFE AFTER SCHOOL. One of the main things I realized once school is over, is how boring life is without it. I'm not even kidding. School kids reading my blog, here's a piece of advice for you ; cherish school while you can... Once its over, there's no turning back and you will realize how fun it actually was. Oh, and also go do your homework :P

On the other hand, I do have much more freedom now. And by that, I mean my parents are much more lienient to my outings now. Thank you mama papa! So today, imma upload the piczas and summarize a little on what happened on my outings. Wait- did I just say summarize? -____- told you my blogging style is a little off right now. Don't mind me ;)

OUTING NUMBER 1#

Natasha Amelia Sofea

I forgot what day this outing was already.. but lets just called it Funday! :D We went and watched Mirror Mirror. It was pretty nice, but all we did was talked about how thick Snow White's eyebrows was throughout the show. Heheheh! To be honest though, I was secretly very jelly over Snow White's eyebrows. Mine is so freaking thin it hardly comes out in photos. -____- 

Oh! But there was one MAJORLY weird incident that happen in the cinema. While we were watching the movie, the cinema suddenly started beeping. Well, not exactly beeping, I don't know how to describe the sound. Kinda like something you would hear in a fire alarm. It was pretty scary actually O.O I don't know if we had to evacuate the cinema or not.. can't even watch the show in peace cause of the sound and the flickering lights. The sound finally ended few minutes later... mysteriously... as mysterious as it started.... *jeng jeng jeng*

This is in the toilet later, where everybody goes after a movie.

Well you know us girls, we just can't bear to leave the toilet without at least having one toilet camwhore photo :P Its compulsory I tell you! So after the movie we decided to eat, definitely not MacDonalds since we're all so sick of it. So guess where? My family's favourite eat-out spot ; Penang Asam House (IOI old wing). Throughout lunch I also took a bunch of photos. Just so you know, I bought a new camera recently (present for my good SPM results ^^) and this camera has a bunch of crazy functions! Fish eye, reflection, beauty mode etc etc. See for yourself! :D

Oh foine! The only camera function I used during lunch was the reflection one ><

I forgot to mention! Earlier before the movie, we went to Guardian and Sasa and tried on the make up stuff there (actually only Sof and I, Ame just give 'advice' haha). Sofea went and bought lots of eye make up. That girl has finally discovered the wonders of make up! I didn't buy anything... lack of funds $__$

Now, the moment you've all been waiting for... *drum roll* Lets take a look at the 'beauty mode' photos!! The Before and The After >:D buahahahahaha.

                    THE BEFORE SHOT

    THE AFTER SHOT

        THE BEFORE SHOT

THE AFTER SHOT

Hehehe and that's it so far. Not bad right that camera function? The beauty mode automatically erases all your pimples and makes your face fairer. A girl's dream come true! Later on, we also did some random shopping here and there but didn't actually buy anything x) Then it was time to go home! Amelia was our driver for the day, so imagine her fear when we went outside and it was raining super heavily!! Hello, new drivers on the road here xD

Driving in the pouring rain.....

But can still smile! :DD

And what are Amelia's awesome and helpful friends doing while she drives in the pouring rain?? Helping her? Looking out for her?? 

Taking pictures of course!! TEEHEE XD

Well, we did that for awhile. But after that, we helped Ame drive in the rain by looking out for her. You can never fool around too much in the car. Road accidents can happen anytime, so always be careful. Team Safety! Hahaha. Well, I wanted to blog about my 2nd Outing in this post, but its getting too long :( So yeah, save that for the next post. Bye guys! Keep reading this blog cause I'll definitely update more often now :D

xxx-

till next time! <3

Wonder what happen.

So I was cleaning up my desk recently and stumbled upon a poem I made a long time ago. And what struck me about it was how... sad it sounded? Here, take a look at it.

The Girl In The Mirror

Mirror mirror, on the wall,

Who is that girl that stands so tall?

Mirror mirror, on the wall,

Who is that girl with tears that fall?

I see her smile, I see her laugh,

From afar, she seems so tough,

So together and always intact,

Doesn't her life seem so perfect?

Always surrounded by all her friends,

She's also ahead the latest trends,

Fun, Friendly and Miss Popular,

Don't you wish you could be her?

But wait- stop, and take a look..

Remember to not judge the cover of a book,

Have you not seen her tear-stained eyes?

Have you not heard her silent cries?

She hides in her room when there's people around,

So no one will hear her make a sound,

For she cries at night to let out the pain,

That causes her tears to pour like rain

Despite the size of her place,

She suffocates in that huge space,

Alone and lonely but no one knows,

The misery she feels that grows and grows..

Depressed and pressured for their hearts are like stone,

Can't they just leave her alone?

I guess they don't know how she feels,

Let her be, and maybe she'll heal

So tell me mirror on the wall,

Who is that girl with tears that fall?

I touch the reflection that I see,

And realized that girl starring back, is me...

So yeah, pretty depressing huh? I wonder what situation was I in last time to write such a miserable poem. Well, whatever it was, I'm glad that phase is over. After all, who wants to spend time being sad when you can be happy instead? :) This message implies to everyone out there. Our existence in this world is short. Treasure it, and be happy. For every second being sad, is a second wasted. 

"Happiness often comes sneaking in through a door you didn't know you left open"

p/s : on my next post, I'll FINALLY blog about the Miko story part #2. For those who didn't read the first part, click this link HERE. And I'll also give updates on my Book Sale :D till next time, xoxo--